About Time
by mariagvogel
Summary: Pepper's voice was calm and reassuring, and it made Tony feel as if he had been thrown back to the past, before the Avengers, before Iron Man, when things were easy and he'd go to parties and do whatever he pleased and Pepper would call him "Mr. Stark" and help him through his hangover the next day.


**About Time**

"Colonel Rhodes is in surgery, sir."

The young receptionist smiled at the end of the sentence, as if being in surgery for the second time in six hours was a good thing. Tony's heart had almost stopped when he found Rhodey's room empty. He had left it briefly after the first operation, just to get his own arm mended and to make sure that the spider kid, Peter, was safe in New York after a flight in one of Tony's jets.

"But they said he was stable," he muttered. He had hardly been out for half an hour; Rhodey wasn't even supposed to be awake after such a short time. Why was he in surgery again?

"Stable, but not out of danger." The man –boy– realised at last he should stop smiling and he put on a serious face as he added: "There has been some kind of complication. He's on operating room number three."

Tony was about to ask what kind of complication took a man to surgery barely three hours after a life-or-death operation, but the information about the room made him forget everything else and run down the corridor to see his friend.

He pushed the door of the waiting room without bothering to look through its round window–he didn't care if there was someone else in the room.

Unless that someone was Pepper Potts.

He stopped on his tracks as soon as he saw her, but it was too late–she had already seen him. Her eyes were wide open in surprise, and Tony also noticed they were red from crying.

For an impossibly long second, he didn't know how to react. Then his mind started working again and he understood she was there to see Rhodey, too. His eyes automatically turned towards the glass panel through which he could see the operating room. Rhodey was there, but the only part of him he could see was his unconscious face, for the rest of his body was hidden by a paper screen behind which the surgeons were doing whatever their work was.

They hadn't used a screen when they took the shrapnel out of his chest, Tony thought. Back then, Rhodey had been where Tony was now, at the other side of the glass, with Pepper, watching as they opened his chest to remove the tiny metal fragments. This time, however, the doctors hadn't let him watch Rhodey's first surgery, and this was all he was going to see of the second. Tony balled his fists. If there was one thing he abhorred, it was lack of information. He needed input. What was wrong with his friend?

"It's his spine." Pepper spoke as if she had heard his thoughts. Her voice came right from behind him, although he hadn't heard her moving. "They said the damage has caused a… cerebrospinal fluid leak. They are trying to fix it, but the doctor said–" she made a pause and inhaled sharply. "They said there is no way to predict the consequences. He could remain in a coma or be paralyzed for the rest of his life."

The whole ground seemed to stumble under Tony's feet. He put a hand on the glass panel in an attempt to stop his legs from shaking, but he failed miserably. All possible scenarios crossed his mind at the same time: Rhodey unable to walk or move. Rhodey in a coma, forever oblivious to everything and everyone. Rhodey dead, like everyone else Tony tried to protect.

His knees failed and he thought he would hit the ground, but Pepper's arms seized him and helped him maintain his balance.

"You should sit down for a moment. Come."

Pepper's voice was calm and reassuring, and it made Tony feel as if he had been thrown back to the past, before the Avengers, before Iron Man, when things were easy and he'd go to parties and do whatever he pleased and Pepper would call him "Mr. Stark" and help him through his hangover the next day. For a brief instant, he thought he missed the good old days, but after he sat down and Pepper let go of his arm, he realised it was her that he missed. He had never stopped missing her.

The long silence that followed made Tony feel suddenly self-conscious. Last time he'd seen Pepper had been the day she left. He closed his eyes, mortified by the memory of their last words. «I love you, not Iron Man, » she had said, her voice a mixture of shouting and crying. «But I am Iron Man! » Tony had replied, just shouting. The crying had come later.

And there she was now, almost six months later –he had counted them even though he'd told himself he wouldn't– and nothing was as he'd imagined. Because he had imagined their re-encounter much more often than he'd like to admit. It sometimes involved one of them being regretful and the other still hurt, but lenient. They shifted roles depending on Tony's mood at the time he imagined it. More often, both their imaginary selves were just desperate. Now that Pepper was before him, however, Tony understood that she would never come back out of desperation, pity or regret. Pepper Potts did things for the right reasons, and there was no right reason to come back with Tony.

They kept avoiding each other's eyes until Pepper turned to approach the panel again. In the adjoining room, doctors entered and left in a continuous flow. When she put a hand over the glass, Tony noticed she was shivering. He had to fight the physical need to approach her and put his arms around her as he used to do.

"They don't even know how long the surgery will take," Pepper muttered, oblivious to the battle that was taking place inside Tony.

Her voice seemed too low for the big, empty room, and yet Tony could feel her worry in it, echoing his own. He nodded, unable to speak, and gave another look at Rhodey's unconscious features, as if expecting his expression to give him a clue of what was going on. Of course, it didn't.

At last, he tore his eyes from the glass and glanced at Pepper, who was twisting her hands absent-mindedly. The need to say something was painful, but sentences like "it'll be okay" had been emptied of their meaning long ago.

"I didn't know you were in Germany," he blurted out. He immediately realised it was a stupid thing to say, because obviously there was no way he could have known and because knowing it wouldn't have changed anything. He was there to see Rhodey, and so was Pepper. No explanations were needed. In fact, perhaps he should act proudly and just ignore her. Wasn't he still angry, after all? Wasn't he going to ignore Pepper because she didn't understand his need to protect the world, to protect her?

No, he wasn't. He had understood her reasons long ago, even if he refused to admit it, and whatever anger he had left had disappeared at the moment he saw her again.

"I was in Geneva. I took the first flight here as soon as I knew."

He had almost forgotten he had spoken, so her answer took him by surprise. And so did her next question:

"What did really happen, Tony? Is all of this just because of the Accords?"

She bit her lip after she asked, as if she was unsure she wanted to know, but she didn't take back the question. Tony recognised the determined look on her face. She did want to know. He sighed.

"Remember the Winter Soldier, and that Steve was looking for him because he was Bucky Barnes, his friend back in the war?" he started. "Well, he tracked him down, but he doesn't want to turn him in because the Accords won't guarantee Barnes' safety. The problem is Ross won't let him do as he pleases. Not after all that's happened lately." He shook his head as a joyless smirk appeared on his lips. "So I thought I could make him reason and stop him from making a huge mistake. Turns out I only made things worse."

Pepper hesitated before taking a few steps towards him. "You did what you thought was the right thing," she whispered.

Tony scoffed. "Isn't that what I always do? I convince myself I'm doing the right thing and then I find out I'm utterly wrong." His own bitterness scared him. He bowed his head, ashamed. "I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm saying."

Pepper didn't answer. When she started moving, he thought she would leave the room and leave him to his own bad mood. After an instant, however, he realised she was drawing closer to him. Before he could react, her hand was on his shoulder.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly.

"Yes. No. I don't know."

Hell, how he had missed her. How he still missed her. Of course he wanted to talk about it. He could still see Steve's face when he said "We fight." It had been then when he knew he had made a terrible mistake, that Steve wasn't going to stop. That he had brought his friends to a war. But how could he confess that to Pepper? She didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve any of that.

"You can tell me, Tony," she insisted, and once more he felt as if she could read his mind. And this time he was too weak, too selfish to resist it.

"It's just I have no idea of what I'm supposed to do," he confessed. As soon as he let this out, words flowed on their own accord. "Cap–Steve is the one who stops people before they screw things up. Hell, I'm the one who usually screws things up, not the other way around. And now he's gone rogue and refuses to see the consequences, and I… God, I thought I could stop him and I started a war." He ran his hand through his hair in a desperate gesture. "You were right, okay? I think I can control everything just because I have a suit of armour. I let everybody think I can. But I can't, not really, and now Rhodey is paying the consequences."

His breath was quick when he stopped talking, and his heartbeat seemed to be the only sound in the room. He recognised the symptoms of an anxiety attack. «Come on, not now, » he thought, his hand gripping the arm of the sofa. He tried to slow down his breath.

Pepper had understood what was happening, too. Very gently, as if there was a wild animal in the room and she didn't want to scare it, she sat beside him. Her hand carefully touched his and Tony shut his eyes, incapable of finding the strength to pull away. The two of them remained silent until Tony's body relaxed. Then, without letting go of his hand, Pepper spoke again.

"Tony, listen to me," she said slowly. "Rhodey chose to go with you because he also thought it was the right thing. It was his decision, and he knew what he was risking. None of your friends think you can control everything. No one can. And what you refuse to understand is that you don't have to." Her tone had become urgent in the last sentence. She exhaled and rubbed his hand again. "Whatever happens to Rhodey, it is not your fault. Please, don't put that weight on your shoulders."

Oh, how he had missed her voice. She looked sad and beautiful as she spoke now, and he felt a sudden and immense gratitude that she was there with him. For a second he imagined how it would be to believe her words, put all the guilt away and just stay there with her. There were only too many reasons why that couldn't happen, though. He removed his hand from hers to press his eyelids.

"I brought him with me. It's my responsibility."

The door opened before Pepper could reply, and a young doctor came in. Her expression was extremely serious. Both Pepper and Tony jumped to their feet.

"Mr. Stark," the doctor greeted, recognising him. Then she faced the two of them. "The surgery has concluded. We have stopped the leak; Colonel Rhodes is out of danger now."

"Oh, thank God," Pepper whispered, drawing her hands to her chest.

Tony needed a whole second to process the doctor's words. He released a heavy sigh. Rhodey was alive.

The doctor cleared her throat, visibly uncomfortable. "However, I am sorry to report that we haven't been able to restore his spine completely," she informed, looking down. "We will only know the consequences after he wakes up. We'll get a thorough scan then so we can determine the level of damage, but I can tell you already that we don't think he will be able to walk again."

Every sound in the room seemed to disappear as he imagined Rhodey lying on a bed, awake but immobilised, all because of him. In the back of his mind, he was conscious that he should say something, react to the doctor's words, but he couldn't. In his head there was space for just one thought: he had ruined Rhodey's life.

"Thanks, doctor," he heard Pepper say. She sounded as if she was far away. "We appreciate all you have done for him. Can we see him now?"

"We are transferring him to his room. You will be able to visit him as soon as he is installed, but I'm afraid we don't know when –or how– he will wake up. All I can say is that the next few hours are crucial."

"Thank you," Pepper said again, in a tremulous voice.

The doctor nodded and left, leaving behind a heavy silence. Tony glanced at the glass panel. The operating room was empty now and there was no trace of what had happened inside it. Next to him, Pepper took a deep breath.

"Let's go see him."

Inside the room, the nurses were still adjusting IV lines and connecting the colonel to an endless series of machines. Tony contemplated Rhodey's unconscious body and clenched his jaw, wondering if he would ever stop putting the people he loved in danger.

"Just wake up, buddy," he muttered, as if his friend could hear him. "Wake up, and I'll do the rest. I'll find a way to fix you, I promise."

The group of nurses left and an ominous silence filled the room. Rhodey's breath was barely audible under the beeps of the machines. His heartbeat wasn't but a tiny green undulation over a black screen. Tony sank his head in his hand, unable to keep looking at it. Beside him, Pepper stepped forward.

"He will wake up," she said firmly.

The confidence in her voice was hard to ignore, as if she alone could make the world right again. He put his hand down to look at her and inhaled sharply, suddenly overwhelmed. She looked pale and tired and beautiful, and once again he realised how much he missed her. He missed her determination, her readiness to defend what she thought, the way she pressed her lips together when someone contradicted her. He missed her ability to organise everything, and the smell of her hair, and the way she tilted her head when she was listening to someone. The way she made him feel everything was fine even when it wasn't. God, he missed every inch of her. And he wasn't able to resist it anymore. As gently as he could, he bent his head to rest it on her shoulder. He automatically found the nook on her neck, and everything felt so familiar, so right, that he closed his eyes and sighed.

"Tony…"

He flinched at the sound of her voice and recoiled immediately. Embarrassment washed over him all of a sudden.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I didn't mean to–I shouldn't have done that."

"It's okay," she replied, looking away. "You are tired. It's okay. You know what? I'm going to go for a walk, maybe get some coffee. I'll come back later."

She had crossed the room as she spoke and was already about to open the door. Panic invaded Tony as he realised she was leaving. Perhaps exhaustion was toying with his mind, or perhaps the recent events had raised his paranoia to a whole new level, but he couldn't get rid of the impression that, if he let her go, he might never see her again.

"Wait," he called. His voice sounded higher than he had expected. "I need to talk to you," he added, more softly.

Pepper gave him a hesitant look, unconsciously biting her lip.

"Tony… I don't think this is the right moment."

"No, listen," he begged, stepping forward. Pepper gripped the door handle and he raised his palms in a silent pleading. "Just let me speak and then you can go, okay? I'll be brief."

For a second she didn't move, but at last she released the handle and turned towards him, waiting.

Tony's throat tightened. He had spent hours thinking of what he would say if he got the chance, but everything seemed gone now. And yet, if he didn't speak now he would regret it forever, so he took in a sharp breath and let his thoughts out, unfiltered.

"Look, you probably already knew this, but I am an idiot. I've lost count of all the times I've said 'sorry' to you, but I need to say it once more, because I need you to know how sorry I am. Pep, you were right–you were always right. I thought I had everything under control, but I didn't. I just kept making the same mistakes again and again. And I'm not asking for forgiveness, but I thought you deserved to know. So, all I'm trying to say is… I'm sorry I failed you."

By the moment he finished talking, his heart was racing. He desperately tried to read Pepper's expression, but all he could see was that she had tears in her eyes. And then, all of a sudden, she walked towards him and put her hands on his shoulders. Her forehead touched his and her lips came closer, and Tony closed his eyes and felt like he was home again.

No.

The awareness that he was making a mistake stopped him on his tracks. Things weren't so easy. Every inch of his body longed to touch Pepper, but he forced himself to step back. Confusion and disappointment crossed the redhead's eyes, and Tony felt his heart breaking a little more.

"I'm sorry, Pep, I can't do this. I will always love you, but you don't deserve this." His voice broke, but he gulped and kept going. "I can't make it work. I can't stop being Iron Man, and I don't want to hurt you pretending I'm something I'm not. Forgive me, please."

He thought she would leave this time, turn around and never come back, but she just locked her gaze onto his, and her eyes seemed full of something too similar to regret.

"Oh, Tony." She shook her head and a tear rolled down her cheek. "Please, don't say that. I don't want you to stop being Iron Man. It's part of who you are." She put her hand on his face and the tips of her fingers caressed his bruises smoothly. "You fix things. You build things. You fly around in a metal suit. I can live with that, as long as you don't let it be all there is to you."

"But I _can't_ , Pep." He shook his head in despair. "You know I tried before. You know how it is to be in a relationship with me. I don't want to hurt you again."

Pepper gave a step back, and pain and relief invaded Tony's chest at the same time. Now she would leave and he would have done the right thing for once. But why did it have to be so hard?

"Tony."

He opened his eyes again. Pepper was still there, pale and red-eyed and extremely serious. Her hands were shaking, so she balled them into fists as she took a deep breath.

"Okay, I'm telling you this just this once because I've missed you too much for words to tell, and because a few hours ago I thought you were going to die and I'm still afraid I might lose you at any moment. So, if I were you, I would just shut up and listen to what I have to say." She stopped the quick flow of words just enough to catch her breath. Her ice-blue eyes stared at Tony so intensely that he felt trapped. "I love you. I love every part of you and every stupid thing you do. I didn't leave you because you are Iron Man, or because you built Ultron, or because you are obsessed with world safety. I didn't even leave you because you were destroying yourself–I left you because you didn't let me help you. And now… Now you go and say all these things, and I thought I could resist it, but I can't, because I miss you too much. So I need you to be honest and tell me if you can stop pushing me away every time you have a problem. I need you to tell me that you will share your fear instead of hide it, and that you won't try to protect me at all costs. Because if you cannot promise that, then I'll walk away from here and we won't make each other suffer again. But if you tell me you'll try, then–then I'll stop rambling and I'll kiss you like I'm dying to do. So there. It's your choice."

The world seemed to stop movingwhen Tony processed her words. He looked at her with a mixture of disbelief and pure joy. She was blushing furiously and her eyes were full of apprehension as she waited for an answer. Only Tony couldn't find the right words, or rather any word at all. So he just leaned forward and kissed her like he was dying to do.

"I promise," he managed to say a few seconds later, gasping for breath.

Smiling, she lowered her head and rested it on his chest, right over the spot where the arc reactor had been. And for the first time in many, many months, Tony felt his heart was complete.

 **\- Bonus:**

"Well, well, well. I didn't think I'd live to see this." Rhodey's voice was scratchy and rough, but it was his voice, and Tony had never been happier to hear it. The colonel chuckled. "And it was about time, too."


End file.
